An anniversary and a testimony

The more I think about it, the better I feel about switching to posting only once a week. I could post just about anytime on Sundays, but on Thursdays, I would get home too late and would often end up posting very early Friday morning. The numbers I receive from Blogger indicate that Thursday/Friday posts tend to be less read anyway, so unless something should happen that would make me change my mind, it's just going to be new posts on Sundays from now on.

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Yesterday, March 28, was an important anniversary for me. Three years ago, I got saved by the grace of God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

When I realized the anniversary was coming up, I had originally planned to post my testimony. I the  decided that I wanted to write about how things have been going this past year since the last anniversary. When the time came to start writing, I realized that I needed to post my testimony, as it's been a long time since I've shared it with anyone.

I post it here as it was written for a Fundamentals of the Faith class I took almost three years ago, the summer after I got saved. (Any text in the italic/parenthese are notes added specifically for this post.)

1. Before I was saved, I was not doing anything with my life. I was not accomplishing anything, I really had no goals, and I was deeply unhappy. I have been coming to Grace ever since I was born, but I had no spiritual life, and I wasn’t cultivating those relationships I thought I would have. I really did believe that I was saved, and even went so far as to be baptized; however, there was no spiritual fruit. I did everything I could to shut people out of my life, and all I did was try to make myself happy. All I got for that was a lot of wasted years and nothing to show for it.

2. I was laying in bed one night in mid-February; something had been bothering me for days. I was so scared about what was happening that I started shaking uncontrollably for about two minutes. However, I didn’t tell anyone about it; I just sat on it for about a week and a half. One night after that, I just had a total breakdown. I realized that I was so unhappy, that I had nothing to live for, and most importantly, that I wasn’t saved. (Note: I have since remembered that I first realized that if I were actually saved, there would be spiritual fruit, and there was none.) I prayed with my parents for God to come into my life. In retrospect, I realize that I hadn’t prayed for salvation, but that God would take away my loneliness. I started to attend the Doulos fellowship group, I began volunteering on the church campus, and I began attending the Men of the Word study on Wednesday nights with my dad. All throughout that month of March, however, I still was gripped by this crushing agony that wouldn’t go away no matter what. I just kept breaking down over and over again, such that by the end of March, I was wondering if this horrible heartbreak was what it meant to be saved; I was so despondent that I actually wanted to die. Still, I was so scared of what might happen that, reflecting back on it, God was keeping me from taking my own life. Someone had given a workbook by Wayne Mack as a means to begin exploring Scripture. While looking for a particular verse, I stumbled on James 1:8, “he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways”. It was in that moment that I realized that all that had happened was because I had not given myself to God. Two days later, I was talking with my dad, telling him that I was struggling with whether my faith was strong enough. He told me that genuine faith doesn’t come from us, but that it is a gift from God to us. In that moment, I prayed to God to save me from my sins, to give me the faith I needed to believe in Him and follow Him. (I actually prayed, "Lord, give me the faith to believe.") When it was over, every bit of sorrow and grief that had gripped me was gone. I knew I was free and that God had taken them from me. 

3. Since then, God has caused me to grow in so many ways. The early going had its ups and downs, but God, through Scripture and the support of my new brothers and sisters, has carried me through. I had wanted people to care about me for so long, but what I really needed was to care for others. God has given me a heart that longs for others, and cares for their well-being. I have been blessed with opportunities to meet the needs of others, and others have been a source of encouragement to me. I have been exploring and considering opportunities for ministry and praying that God will lead me to those opportunities. (In this past year, it seems like I've let that pursuit of ministry opportunity fall by the wayside. Pray that I would seek those opportunities again, with a heart of gratitude and mercy.)

Writing at a snail's pace

There are times hand I have trouble writing this blog. Even though I only write twice a week (which may soon become just once a week), it does often feel like a chore. It also doesn't help that the iPod touch I'm using to write this, isn't keeping up with my typing.

I'm think I'm going to replace this thing soon. It's so bad, I'd be better off writing it out by hand, scanning it, and posting it as a photo.

Whatever the case, it's not making me want to write this blog anymore diligently than I do now.

An announcement

just a quick post to announce that I'm thinking about going back to posting just on Sunday nights. It's not very easy for me to get these posts put up on Thursdays in anything resembling a timely manner. Also, doing it only on Sundays will allow me to be better prepared with what I want to write and to write only what I want to.

See you on Sunday.

Moving on in His time

At first, I really felt like not writing tonight's post. I don't really have much of anything to say. Even as I write this, I'm watching a video on YouTube, a Rifftrax "best-of" video for the movie Viva Knievel!, starring Evel Knievel and Gene Kelly.

Next up, another "best-of" video for the 1972 horror "classic" Night of the Lepus, starring Janet Leigh and DeForest Kelley, who played Doctor McCoy on Star Trek. A couple of researchers, a rancher, a sheriff, and the National Guard battle giant rabbits.

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I had wanted to spend at least part of this weekend on Craigslist looking for another job. When I talked to my manager on Thursday, I admitted that I was looking for something else. Unfortunately, I didn't really get the opportunity to do so. Still, I understand that God will keep me at UPrinting (and eventually, allow me to move on) in His own time.

Lately, I've been reading through the Pauline epistles. In Ephesians 6, Paul writes, "(s)laves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, in fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; not by way of eye-service, as men-pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart. With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free." (Ephesians 6:5-8)

As much as I've wanted to move on from UPrinting, and as frustrating as it's been to not have found anything else, I need to trust God that He will do whatever He wills to do, and that I need to trust and serve Him as my Master in heaven. Pray that I would grow in  trusting God and having a thankful attitude, turning from ingratitude and distrust.

Back to work (and you didn't know I was gone)

I was out of work the last three days. I strained a muscle in my side and feared I was getting a hernia in my lower pelvis. Both are okay.

Anyway, today I was confronted by something that I think has been the source of a lot of frustration in my walk with the Lord. Being away from work for three days has been enough time for me to forget how hectic it gets around here. I was getting more and more frustrated with all there is to do.

Finally, I realized how much I hated being here and how unhappy I was that God had led me here. I was angry that God would lead me to work in a place I didn't like, doing work I didn't enjoy that was keeping me from things I wanted to do.

All at once, it hit me: I had been ungrateful to God for my job and I had allowed that sin to grow unchecked. Admittedly, when I first realized this, I didn't want to be grateful. I felt justified in feeling bad, at first. Quickly, I began to realize that was the wrong attitude, and I had to confess and turn from that sin.

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A short while after that, I got pulled into a meeting with our manager, Mike, who's finally returned from leave. There's been some concern because I've been absent a lot lately. I admitted two of my recent absences were not medical-related, and therefore I did not have a note for them. Mike asked me if I was having a problem, as the company was otherwise happy with my work.

Today marks the first time I've told a manager that I was looking to get out of the company. I told Mike that I had realized that I was not interested in promoting within the company, and that if I didn't want to move up, then I needed to move on. He said he appreciated my candor, and that he was trying to make improvements in our department. Mike also said he wanted to make my remaining time contain as little stress as possible. I said I didn't care too much about that, frankly because I don't know that he can do anything about it, even if he wants to. I just want out, and soon.

Having said all that, I do feel unburdened, if both physically and emotionally drained. I'm really feeling the tug to move on. I ask that you please pray for two things; one, that I would be able to find another job soon, and two, that I wouldn't get fired first. That might actually happen, and if that possibility occurs, I would quit first.

Confessing to one another

Right now, I'm watching the NASCAR Sprint Cup race at Las Vegas on TV. Pretty uneventful right now. Earlier, my brother and I were watching reruns of Celebrity Bowling. Sue Ane Langdon isn't much of a bowler, unless sinking gutter balls counts.

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I say this a lot on this blog, but I could use your prayer. Lately, it seems like I see so much bitterness and nastiness, if not outright hatefulness, raising up out of me. I have felt like I'm being tempted to be hateful and angry at others, and especially at God. Which I really don't want to be.

Most of the people who know me and with whom I've cultivated friendships, didn't really know me before I got saved. I was just a mean, hateful, scared person. I didn't have any love in my heart, except for myself. Even then, I was absolutely miserable. When the Lord saved me, He opened my heart to love Him and others. For the first time, I'd been willing to forge relationships and to tKe the risk of being hurt or heartbroken when difficulties came.

I have asked the Lord in prayer to draw out sins in my life, that I may confess and turn from them. It seems like God is drawing out a lot of old bitterness in my heart, which can be deeply discouraging. If He is indeed doing this right now, then pray that I would not be discouraged, but that I would be faithful to confess this sin and thankful that God has forgiven this sin and is removing it from me.

James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." I guess this is what I've been asking you readers to do for me. I don't know if you have, but if you have done so, then I am thankful to God and to you for your faithfulness.

Finding help

How you ever had an experience on Facebook (or any social media, for that matter) that was eye-opening for you? That happened to me this week.

Lately, it seemed like I've really been struggling to trust in the Lord like I should be. Looking back, I had been letting difficult circumstances determine how much I was trusting God (or wasn't). Somewhere along the way, I guess I just chose not to trust Him like I ought to, even though I knew I should. My struggles in trusting The Lord were such that it really had me wondering if I was actually saved at all.

Anyway, to Facebook. On my wall, I will typically get verses posted that either someone has written out or have made into some kind of graphic. The other day, someone had posted a portion of Hebrews chapter 4; verse 13 standing out in particular for me: "And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to Him with whom we have to do."

When I read that verse, I had a sudden realization. It occurred to me that God sees me as I cannot see myself, He sees the sins I struggle with, He see what I've done and will do, and still, He loves me. The Lord loves me with an everlasting love, and has drawn me to Himself with His lovingkindness (Jeremiah 31:3).

It encouraged me in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. Lately, I've realized how much I've been failing to love the Lord and love others. I needed to be reminded that God is always faithful to love me.

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Today, I found out that my co-worker, Christina, is facing possible surgery for the issues she's had with her back. She told me that she has some bad disks and they've been affecting her sciatic nerve, which has been causing her considerable pain. She's going to be back at work on Monday. pray for her, as she considers her options for her dealing with her health issues. Also, pray that I would take the opportunity to share the gospel with her. I had started sharing some things about the gospel several months ago, when her uncle passed away.

Thankfully, we got another new packer today, out of the blue. His name is Alfredo, an older guy who came to us through a temp agency. He said he had to take the job because he had another higher-paying job fall through, as his car had been repossessed. It made me stop and think about how a lot of people are still struggling financially. I've gone through an extended period of unemployment, but I didn't have debts like this hanging over my head. i feel very blessed that I didn't make bad financial decisions that would've been disastrous.

Hoping and trusting and delighting

Once again, I'm watching an old episode of Emergency! as I write this. The paramedics, Gage and DeSoto, have rescued an escape artist who seems to be trapped in a trunk hanging on a crane over the water. Just when DeSoto told Gage the artist's secret (he wasn't in the trunk), Gage realizes that somehow the artist must've gotten out of the trunk and hidden himself without any of his magician friends noticing after they had locked him in, but can't figure out how.

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I was supposed to go to the DMV yesterday to see about renewing my learner's permit. Late Friday night, I decided to break the appointment. I realized that I wasn't ready to take the test, and it would've been less of a strain financially if I waited another week, until after I got paid again.

When I went to the DMV website earlier today to set a new appointment, the system was temporarily unavailable. Oh well.

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This morning, I got back to church for the first time in a few weeks. Our message was out of Psalm 119, on the spiritual revival we can gain from Scripture. Repeatedly, the psalmist emphasizes the comfort he can take in God's Word. He seeks the good Word of God over the vain things of mortal life.

I was deeply convicted by the fact that I was failing to take delight in the Word of God, and had been choosing worldly pleasures instead. I wasn't trusting God and I wasn't trusting His Word. I was struggling to feel God's love when His love is meant to be experienced and shared with others, not kept to oneself as I had been. It seems like this few months have seen slowly start to withdraw from my brothers and sisters in Christ, and because I haven't been loving others as I should be, my love for them, and for The Lord, has grown so cold. It's been wrong for me to do this; I'd been so self-involved with my work issues, I failed to even realize what I was doing, or rather, not doing.

I ask that you who read this, pray that I would choose to love and honor God and His Word. Pray that I would continue to confess distrust and bitterness in my own life, and that I would turn from it. Sometimes, it's so discouraging to keep confessing the same old sins, but 1 John 1:9 reminds us that "(i)f we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness". (NIV) Pray that I would trust in God's faithfulness to forgive me of the sins I confess to Him, and that I would be faithful to confess.