Normally, I would write a fairly detailed summary of the plot, but that's not really necessary for this "classic". The plot is as follows:
Martian children are depressed, and the King of Mars, Kimar, is told that Mars needs a Santa Claus. Despite the objections of a renegade Martian, Kimar abducts Santa to Mars along with two kids, Betty and Billy Foster. The renegade Martian, Voldar, tries to undermine Kimar and Santa's efforts to bring Christmas to the children of Mars. However, Santa stops him with the help of the kids and of Dropo, a goofy but kindhearted Martian who Santa makes the official Santa Claus of Mars.
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I don't want to give this movie any more attention than it deserves, because this movie was the worst thing I've had to watch for these Christmas reviews. Instead of writing a fully detailed review, I'm just going to write bullet points listing some of my observations.
-This movie doesn't seem to have been made for a lot of money. There are a couple of action sequences where it seems the only direction was "Whatever you do, don't break anything! We don't have the money to replace it if it breaks!" One scene features the worst polar bear costume I've ever seen; it wants so badly to be intimidating, which is difficult to do when you resemble a stuffed bear with all the stuffing removed.
-Santa Claus is about the most unlikable character in this movie. He tries to say funny things but none of what he says is funny; he's so bad even the kids in the movie don't laugh at him and typically, child characters would be written to find everything Santa says wildly hysterical. If anything, it gave my brother and I the impression that the child actors were the only ones who realized what a stinker they were making. Also, he has kind of a creepy vibe about him. It might be due to the fact that the actor playing Santa opted to affect a rather sinister laugh rather than just doing the typical "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
-I have a hard time imagining anyone actually enjoying this film as a "good movie". It's so boring that adults would get antsy trying to sit through this with their kids. As for kids, I can't really see this movie holding a child's attention for very long. A lot happens, but none of it adds up to much. If given a choice, I can't picture a kid sticking with this movie for the long haul.
-The movie is also plagued by pacing problems, one of the hallmarks of a truly great bad film. The movie takes nearly a half-hour to get going plot wise, which is far too long for an eighty-minute movie. I think the filmmakers realized they had been wasting a lot of time, because the movie rushes to a lame, unsatisfying climax; we get a "fight" in Santa's Martian toy room where the previous "DON'T BREAK ANYTHING!" direction seems to have been used.
-The movie is also plagued by pacing problems, one of the hallmarks of a truly great bad film. The movie takes nearly a half-hour to get going plot wise, which is far too long for an eighty-minute movie. I think the filmmakers realized they had been wasting a lot of time, because the movie rushes to a lame, unsatisfying climax; we get a "fight" in Santa's Martian toy room where the previous "DON'T BREAK ANYTHING!" direction seems to have been used.
Can't recommend this film, unless you're an aficionado of bad cinema.
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Update-December 21, 2015: When I reviewed this movie on my old blog last year, I actually had a copy of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians for the previous couple of years, but had trouble getting myself to sit down and watch it. I knew it was bad by reputation, but some movies are just so awful that they can exceed your expectations of awfulness. This movie has nothing going for it at all.
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